Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A Moment of Clarity

Something happened to me today that I would like to share with everybody.

One of my roommates came into my room and started to accuse me of not doing something around the house. I nicely (at first) told him that I have been doing the activity in question. He was not pleased with the answer I gave him. So he starting antagonizing me about it. I asked him to leave and he refused. I tried to close the door and he blocked the door with his foot! At this point I became VERY angry to the point wanting to smack the crap out of him. We carried on for a few minutes yelling and screaming where he accused me of antagonizing him. Isin't that rich? After the incident I thought to myself why did I become so angry at something so small and insignificant? Something that had no meaning in the grand scheme of life. After I calmed down and was abel to think the answer came to me. It is two fold.

First I got angry at the fact that he showed no respect for me and my personal space when I asked him nicely to leave.

Second, he had me cornered in my personal space and I had nowhere to turn. Usually when he starts in on me, in the common areas of the house, I turn and walk away. This time however I had no way out. I felt trapped.

Then it hit me later on that this incident reminded me of my childhood. Being hit from all sides with nowhere to turn. I was being abused and I also had to deal with the fact that I was a social outcast and I only had 1 friend, so my room became my sanctuary, the only place I could find comfort and solace.I am also a little frustrated and angry that the people in this house and some of my so called friends don't know or don't seem to care about this journey I am on. Maybe their lack of interest or compassion stems from that they don't want to face their pasts and they are trying to deal with the present. They don't seem to realize that the things or circumstances in the present seem to stem from unresolved issues of the past. I understand that this is common and I try not to force this on the people around me. When I started the healing process back in 1998 I made a commitment to myself to see this journey through! I owe it to myself to do this! I owe it to myself to HEAL!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Patricia Singleton said...

It is frightening to have someone aggressively come into your safe space. That is what my home represents to me, my safe space.